Sister Friend?

Proverbs 18:24... but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

I saw a movie with my youngest daughter tonight about girlfriends. You know, the kind that have been best friends since second grade and are always there for each other. Like sisters. Except not.

I don't have a sister. I have an older and younger brother. I always wanted a sister, a female soul mate. A confident`. Someone to share my deepest, darkest secrets with. But it never happened for me. There were times when I think I came close to having a 'best friend'. But invariably something would happen, and that bond would be broken, strained, severed. I have come to realize in the last couple of years that most of the people I felt close to didn't reciprocate. Not in the same way at least. Their friendship meant more to me than mine did to them. Again, they already had a "best friend".

I think I'm friendly. I think I am easy to talk to. So why is it not in me to let people in? Why do I not have friends? Close friends, 'heart' friends.

I'd never heard that expression "heart friends" until 4 years ago. I went away for 5 days on a retreat of sorts with a bunch of women. With pretty much a guarantee that my life would be changed and I would come back "sisters" until we died with these women. Nope. Some of them, I haven't talked to since we got off the bus. Others, that you felt close to the first 30 days.. now, you are lucky to hear from. Don't get me wrong it wasn't that way for everyone, but it was for me.

Growing up, my Mother, a preacher's wife (who is one of 7 girls) always said "familiarity breeds contempt" and always warned me about the evils of getting "too close" to people outside the family.She would warn me about not trusting others with my secrets or deepest thoughts (what she was saying was: my weaknesses) She would tell me: Everyone has a best friend and just because that may be your best friend doesn't mean they are yours so if you want to keep something a secret, Don't tell anyone. To this day, she is still very careful about whom she trusts. She has no "special friends".

I have the wonderful blessing of having 2 daughters of my own. I told them numerous times how fortunate they were to have each other. No one will stick by you like a sister. How do I know this? I have a sister in law who had 3 sisters. The 4 girls would meet at least 4 times a year somewhere between where they all lived. They would shop, play games, work puzzles. Whatever. Just be sisters. It is a ritual that makes me jealous and long for a kindred spirit such as the one they share. Their baby sister is gone now, but the three remaining still meet every quarter. It is more important to them now than ever before. I have laughed and said someday I would crash their party, but I won't. I would know it wasn't the same. I don't belong to that "club".

My high school is planning a reunion this year for several classes together, including mine. I have been gone from the town I grew up in 30 years. Have not talked to most of the people I went to school with in that entire time unless by some fluke chance I would run into them when I would be home for a visit.

Because of the upcoming reunion, I decided to reach out to some old friends that I had found through years of searching to see if they would like to reconnect, just through email, etc. and catch up on each other's lives. Two of the women I was especially close to in high school are already gone, so these connections would have been even sweeter. But no luck. Not even an acknowledgement. It makes me wonder, was it me? Was I so unpleasant that people still remember that insecure girl who only knew she wanted to sing and stay pure for her husband. What was I like? Was I obnoxious? Was I difficult? I just remember that I tried to be nice to everyone and hoped everyone would like me. Hey, I was 17. I know that's unrealistic, but I was a kid!! Problem is, I still want every one to like me!

I've had a lot of things said about me in the last 20 years. It's been said that I "march to the beat of a different drummer" (whatever that meant) that I don't have a good filter (not sure about that one either) that I'm perky, opinionated, generous, nurturing, a control freak (that came from me) wise...You name it. But am I friendly?

I open my home every week 9 months out of the year to other women. I love on them, I nurture them, I pray for them and try my best to make them feel what I want to feel: loved, respected, important. I know that most of these women love me. They tell me I'm like a second mother, that I'm warm and hospitable. I love these young (and older) women with my whole heart. But as far as being close "heart friends" we aren't. When Bible study morning is over, they leave and some of them stay connected all week and me..well, it's hasn't happened.

Why has that blessed friendship been something I have never been able to attain? Because I have a guard on my heart? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable and open up to other women? Is it a lot like the love between a man and a woman? When we get hurt, we put a guard around our hearts to protect us from further hurts. Yes, I believe it is!

Where is this going? What is the purpose in all this? I am saying: LADIES: get out there, open yourself up. Don't be like me! If you get hurt, don't close yourself off. You have to keep trying or you will one day wind up with children who are grown, have moved away, have their own lives and you have no one to have lunch with, shop with, share a cup of coffee with. This is the voice of experience.

My daughters are not like me. (well, they are both rather opinionated, so in that way they are like me, but not when it comes to friends) They both have at least 1 amazing friend that is what I would call a 'heart friend'. Someone that I believe will be there for them as long as they live. Someone to share "life" with. Jesus has been the ultimate friend! And I know He always listens and He knows my hearts desired. I think maybe that is why the desire for a heart friend is still with me. He knows the intentions of my heart. Even now as I write this, I think, do I really want to let other people read this? Will it sound insecure and pathetic, am I making myself too vulnerable.

Don't get me wrong, my life is FAR from empty. It is extremely full and busy.

I don't have time to hang out all day, drink coffee and shop with someone. But, I'd like to know there was someone to call just on a whim to grab lunch or even a coke.

Now, don't everyone feel sorry for me and call me at once. I'm not looking for sympathy friends. (I'm wise to that) I'm telling you to avoid this place if possible.

I haven't given up. I'm still looking and waiting. As I walk the halls at church or even some public places, I catch myself looking at other women and thinking: Could she be the one that Father has picked for me? Does she need a friend? Is it her?

Mom's are kinda like Jesus or: Grateful, Great and Full

Today was the day we celebrate Mother's. One day. Somehow that doesn't seem right does it?

But at least mother's get a nationally recognized day. A day they (we) are supposed to get our desires and wants met by someone else in the family. How many Mother's Days has that worked out for you? None that I can remember. I don't remember ever taking care of my mom either. Not totally. But, instead of complaining, Mother's just keep doing their job.

You know the whole "man must work from sun to sun but a mother's work is never done". If you're very perceptive, you figure this out even as a child! I know when I'd be watching Gunsmoke with my Dad and brothers and Mom would be running the sweeper under our feet, I figured out really fast that she was never caught up with her many jobs..

But what I have to say today is about being Grateful and the Great and the Full.

Grateful: Grateful for an amazing woman we called Big Momma. Because she was over 5 ft. tall. Which made her taller than her oldest daughter so my oldest cousin called her "Big Momma" and it stuck! She birthed 10 children. 9 of whom lived to adulthood. One of them my mother! Grateful that Big Momma and Poppa took my mother to a spirit filled church where she played piano and my Daddy found Jesus in a tent revival! Grateful that my parents raised me in a spirit-filled home where basically serving God and putting HIM first wasn't an option. Big Momma has been gone over 20 years. But her memory is as alive to me today as it was then. She was our rock! Thank you Jesus for the Aunts and Uncle that still remain that pray for our family like Big Momma did.

Grateful for an amazing Mother who worked full time even in the 1960's and still managed to raise 3 kids, be a pastor's wife and put up with everything a mother, wife and pastor's wife puts up with.. She learned from the best!

Grateful that she taught me about Jesus, first and foremost and that in our home there was never any question about how you would behave or what was important. My values are what they are because of the way I was raised.

I instilled those same values into the 2 daughters that God entrusted into Jerry and my's care.

Grateful that one of them is a mother of 3 boys. She is an amazing mom and is again carrying on our family's values with a little of her husband's family included! She homeschools, cooks every day, reads to them, writes, and still manages to run a household. She is truly my hero.

Grateful for another daughter who isn't a mother yet but has the promise of God on her life.

Missing her this particular first mother's day that she lives away from Texas. But God is in that too.

Grateful: for my health

Grateful: for 2 son-in-law's who love God more than they love my daughters and follow Him faithfully: NO MATTER WHAT!!

Grateful: for extended family

MOST importantly: Grateful to Jesus. For saving me. Loving me. Pursuing me. Filling me over and over and over with the precious Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me every step

Great: Being a grandmother~ Positively the best thing that has ever happened to me.

When those little boys put their arms around me and say " love you, Nana", nothing else matters!! Hand made cards, pieces of rock (heart shaped of course) a wild flower or acorn cap, all treasure for Nana~! Priceless.

Full: My heart is full tonight. Full of love, gratitude, emotion.

Love from my girls, my husband, grandboys, Mother and extended family.

Gratitude to God for all He has given us. I realize nothing I have is because of me. It is ALL Him and I can never forget that. Emotions are up and down. Like a roller-coaster. Happy and sad all at the same time. Lonesome for my baby girl...but happy... because I know she is where God has her. For now....

As the day we celebrate Mom comes to an end, let's remember that Mom's are kinda like Jesus... The never give up on you, they love you unconditionally, they are always there for you and will always listen to you even if you are complaining!

Yes, the more I think about it...Mom's sound a lot like Jesus!

Wow! I wonder... Do you think that's an accident? God created someone in His image to take care of His children here on earth. No, no accident. Nothing with God is ever and accident!

Thank you God for Mothers who are made in YOUR image to care, love and nurture their children as You do yours~

Yes... I'm blessed.

Did it really make a difference?

For 12 hours, I've been listening to the news reports, watching Facebook posts and listening to different people voice their opinion on the death of Osama Bin Laden. At first, I thought there must be something wrong with me. I wasn't elated. I didn't really feel anything. Ok. He's dead. But terrorism isn't dead. His followers are not dead. It doesn't bring back the over 3000 American's who lost their lives. Closure for those families will probably never truly come. After such horrific loss and the nature of the attacks that day, how do you ever "get over it"?

My concern is for the Americans who find such joy in the death of this soul.

Is it really happiness, joy at his demise? Do we not realize that in all likelihood this man will spend eternity in hell? Yes, it is his just deserve. But is it not ours as well? BUT for the blood of Jesus, that same fate would be ours.

The war that started to many of us on September 11, 2001, really started thousands of years ago. The fall of man in the garden is when this war started.

Ephesians 6:12 says for we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Bin Laden, Castro, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Gadhafi, these are all people who are ruled by spiritual wickedness, the powers of darkness. When a man's goal is the destruction of others there is a disconnection somewhere in the soul. As a Christ follower, my mind cannot comprehend that.

Do you know anyone who has been to war and came home changed? The things that had happened to them, the things they were required to do had changed them forever. Have you seen how once dedicated Christian men come home from war scarred to the point that you don't recognize your brother, nephew, son? They have seen evil. They have stared it in the face. They have been asked to do the same kinds of things that men like Bin Laden did in the name of religion, our soldiers have been asked to do in the name of freedom. But that doesn't make it any easier on a man or woman whose heart is turned toward Christ. They are forever changed because in their spirit man, they know this is not the way mankind was created to behave towards one another.

The only difference between these terrorist leaders and you and I is that we have Jesus.

God created man. Period. It was not His desire that any man perish, but because of our free will, because of man's fall, men like Bin Laden will continue to rise to power until Christ comes back the final time to rule and reign!

Did Osama Bin Laden dying affect my life in any way? No. Did it affect yours? Probably not.

The death that had profound affect on my life is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ! It gave me the hope of life eternal when I received Christ as my Lord and Savior.

We are not to gloat or boast when our enemies fall (Prov. 24:17) We are to only boast of the things that HE has done. Proverbs 24:20 says there will be no reward to the evil man. The candle of the wicked will be put out.

Bin Laden's candle may be out, but the light of wickedness in this world is still burning bright.

Our job is to watch and pray. Be diligent in our faith. Praying for our leaders, our brothers and sisters in the fight. Praying for the lost. Even the Bin Laden's of this world.

Don't boast in the fall of Bin Laden but rather in the Lord our God!

Psalm 34:2 My soul shall make her boast in the Lord!

I need rain!

I walked out into the yard. You know REALLY walked into the yard. Not just walking to the car. But out there, in the heat, in the dryness of the grass. It was brown and crunchy. As I gazed around at our huge yard I realized everything that isn't a part of the "sprinkled" part was very brown and dry. It was breaking. The shrubs in some areas are totally dry and dying. Even some trees. We talked about how we are trying to water enough to salvage it, but it isn't enough.
The heat has been way too intense this summer to keep everything alive.

Then tonight I realized, that's how I feel inside. The heat has been so hot and so long, I feel like I have burned up and am now brown. Just like my yard.
As we sat at dinner I expressed to my husband how I 'need' to feel the Holy Spirit in a STRONG way. Don't get me wrong. I feel the Holy Spirit when I pray, listen to worship music, it is extremely strong in church and His presence is very real in my every day life. But does anyone remember those days when the Spirit of God moved so strongly during a church service that you were overcome and knelt right where you stood or you moved to the front and knelt as others around you began to do the same thing. How it didn't matter that the time allotted for worship was over, because the presence of God was so strong you didn't dare move on.
You couldn't. It would have felt disrespectful.
Yes, I am Pentecostal by any one's standard. But that doesn't make me weird in that we run the aisles or roll in the aisles or even march around the church.. (nor have I ever seen a snake in church). But I am prone to raise both hands, kneel, weep or maybe all 3.
After one such service, the feeling of restoration, peace and refreshing is unbelievable. Kind of like a slow, drenching rain. You soak it in. It restores the moisture to your spirit that time, stress, sickness and just life has drained from you.. the drought of the soul I call it.
The spiritual rain is just like a physical rain that moistens the ground and restores and brings new life. That's exactly what the rain from heaven does. Where there was nothing but dry, brittle ground, there is now a moist fresh soil that has soaked in the very thing it needs for life: Rain.
I am in need of a soaking rain. Yes, I'm admitting it. I asked my husband if it's because I'm old and old fashioned that I am hungry to feel the power of God and see Him "show up and show out", not because He has to but because He wants to. I want to be so blown away by His presence that I cannot move. I want to see people flat on their faces before God pouring out their hearts, renewing their walk with Him. Making a new dedication that doesn't wear off on Monday. I want seeking Him to be a priority in not just my life but the life of my family.
I want them to desire HIS presence more than anything else on this earth.
I want to feel that feeling again.
I want to be mesmerized by him.
I know order and schedules are a necessary thing in weekend service. But thank God for services like we have once a month where time isn't the most important thing.
Letting God move takes precedence over time.
If I can't have the 'latter rain' at service..then I will continue to seek It. I know it's there. I've experienced it. And I believe the Holy Spirit of God is as willing to move on me as I am hungry for Him to.
We don't have revival's any more. We've moved past that. We must be too dignified. I know we're too busy. So we have conferences. Where we learn from incredible pastors and teachers but we don't "wait" on the Lord. We hurry as much through these incredible meetings as we do through everyday life. Gotta move on to the next thing.
I'm slowing down and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the rain.
I'm not really waiting. I'm looking for it. With my spiritual eyes. (I'm praying for revival too..)
I am seeking it out. It may only rain on me in my living room. But the rain is coming. And I promise: I'll be soaking it in.

Thankful for life!

Today celebrates the 3rd anniversary of my horrific four-wheeler accident in Red River, New Mexico. I am grateful to say it is the anniversary. If not, my family would be remembering it in another way totally.

The day began as the other days had on our vacation to one of our favorite spots. It was about 45 degrees, sunny, crisp morning. I had been up just a little while when the sick feeling in my stomach began. Something wasn't right. I had an incredible sense of doom. I KNEW something was going to go wrong that day. But being the doting mother, grandmother that I am, I was afraid it was one of my grandsons. I knew because of Holy Spirit unction that I needed to pray protection over us that day. The boys were 3 and 5. They rode with us whenever we went out. Wearing helmets and in the front of the four wheeler. But because Collin our 3 yr old was so young, I worried that the trails would be too much for him. He didn't know how to hold himself steady as we traversed the steep trails. We had gone up to 11,000 feet the day before to a spot known as Greeney Peak. One of my Dad's favorite places in the world. I had pointed out to Dillon the beauty of the mountains. How many colors of green there were as we looked out across the valleys. I talked to him about the wonders of God and how much He must love us to make all these incredible things for us to enjoy and appreciate.

But that Tuesday morning, as my uneasiness grew, I tried to tell myself it was just me, I was being silly and I needed to get a grip.. Everything was fine.

As we waited on the other family that had joined us to get ready to go, Jerry and I took Dillon and Collin for a short ride to a park nearby. I could NOT shake this sense of doom. So when we went back to our cabin, I told the boys mother (who was expecting thier baby brother and so couldn't ride) that I felt like Collin needed to stay in with her as we rode. Amazingly, the child who got up every morning anxious to ride, told me "Nana I think I'll stay with Mom and watch 'Cars'." I cannot tell you the peace I felt when he said that... but still...I knew.

The 9 of us started off on 6 four-wheelers. Lunch in tow, we headed out towards Greeney peak again. Dillon rode with his Papaw. My friends and their 3 teens rode along as did my son in law.

We rode to the top of the mountain, ate lunch and again talked about the beauty of the world God had created. As I sat on a stump eating my sandwich I noticed a white butterfly floating around me.

I thought how strange, because the last time I'd seen a white butterfly was when I was on "Heartquest" a year earlier. I don't know why I didn't put the 2 together to know that that was the Father telling me, He was there. He was my protector, my shield.

We started down the mountain , with me in the lead (I'd been riding these things for at least 30 years. I knew what I was doing..) We saw a new trail, just marked with neon paint and decided to follow it. Because it was a brand new trail, it became more treacherous as we went along. It took about 30 mintues to get to the end of that trail which brought us out a road that would take us back to town. I remember being nervous as we got into areas where there were large holes and boulders to navigate, but when we got to the road I was releieved. And thought, Ok, I'll go in from here and everything will be fine. (Still the sick feeling in the stomach) I suggested that the other girls and I would go in , but some didn't want to split the group, so we turned around and headed back up the mountain. I was VERY nervous at this point. We had been going back up the trail about 3 minutes.

I knew the spot. I'd had a hard time navigating it on the way down. Now, I was trying to go up it at a crawl because of large rocks and a big hole in the center. The mountain was at about a 30 degree angle. I was leaning forward towards the handlebars to make the bike crawl up this mountain.

I was in second gear and as I tried to shift down to 1st the bike stalled and died. When it did... I KNEW. This was the thing I had been fearful of. I felt the wheels begin to lift from the ground. I knew the bike was going over and I was on top of it. I tried to jump, but first I began to pray! I thought I was just praying in my mind, but the young man who pulled the four wheeler off me seconds later said I was screaming so loud that he could hear every word over the roar of both our bikes!

I screamed out to God..
"No God, not today. Not like this. Not on this mountain. Summer needs me, Amber needs me. You can't do this. Summer is having a baby. She needs me. Amber will be getting married soon. No God NO.. And then I remember looking up at the mountains and the clouds thinking this was the last scene I would ever see on this earth.

And then Tyler was there pulling it off me and I sat up. Boom. I was alive.

I immediately knew it was bad. I felt the swelling and blood on my face instantly. I began to feel my teeth with my tongue and knew they were all there. I looked at my nails, yeah stuipd I know, but they weren't broken either. When I sat up, I looked down the mountain and Tyler's four wheeler was rolling end over end. You see, when he heard me screaming and crying out to God, he had jumped off his to save me without even bothering to put his in neutral or even stop.

His dad and my son in law were behind him and when they saw it go rolling down the mountain, they knew something must be horribly wrong.

When they reached me, my son in law looked at my face and simply said, oh wow...

I said, thanks a lot. I was wanting them to know my BRAIN was fine. I was thinking clearly and joking to let them see, it was going to be ok. It had probably been only a minute but I was telling them to keep Dillon away. He could not see his nana like this. As our friends, my husband, my son in law all hovered around me trying to figure out what to do, how to get me out of there, etc. I began to pray.

All I could think of was " I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue, where else can I go". So that's what I prayed. OVER and OVER and OVER. I began to pray in the spirit. They would talk, I would pray. I kept telling them, my neck and back are fine. It's my FACE!! then I'd pray.

We agreed the only thing was to put me on the back of Jerry's four wheeler and head down the mountain to the nearest ambulance and head to a hospital.
I cannot descibe the pain. One eye was cut badly and had swollen shut immediately.

As they helped me to Jerry's four wheeler, I called out to one of the triplets to hide Dillon's face so he couldn't see me. But I told him, Nana's fine. don't worry. Everything will be fine. (little did I know, it would be 2 weeks before I saw him again and even then he would shy away from me because of the horrific swelling and bruising.) As we headed down the mountain I was probably in shock, because I kept thinking I cannot do this. It hurts too badly. I cannot take this pain. Jerry was silent.

I have since learned that's what he does when he's scared or sad... he gets quiet.

I had continued to pray but I was praying silently. Jerry said, talk to me baby, I need to hear your voice. So I prayed aloud. I again looked up at the clouds as we headed down the mountain to the main road. I remember thinking, Dad if there really is a cloud of witnesses and you are up there, you need to be cheering me on to live because I am NOT finished with this race.

I think I knew because I had survived the accident itself. I wouldn't die. But my throat felt like it was

swelling shut. I really think that was what it must feel like to be shot. My face hurt so badly I was begging God to help the pain. I called 911. Told them the situation, that I was on my way into Red River and needed ambulance transport to the nearest hosptial.

I will never forget the looks on the faces of the people at the fire station when we arrived about 30 minutes later. They got me an ice pack for the swelling and loaded me in the ambulance for the 45 minute ride to Taos to the nearest hospital. I tried to call my sister in law Martha to tell her to pray for me. But I had no reception. Jerry rode in the front of the ambulance, so they could "talk' to him. Little did I know, they were giving me a death sentence!

Still, I prayed. I told the ambulance attendant, 'If I'm not going to die, you need to give me something for the pain, because I cannot take this much longer'. She offered me a mirror to see the damage. I refused it. I thought, honestly, you think I want to see myself like this. I knew it was bad. I didn't have to look at it!

Blood was draining down the back of my throat. I was getting car sick. I was riding backwards, mountainous roads on a 45 minute trek. BUT, wait, there's a mud slide and we have to go the LONG way around.. Ok. I'm laughing as they tell me this. I know the work of the enemy. He was still trying to take me out. As we continued along, we lost radio contact with the hospital. Can you imagine. You are in incredible pain, your nerves are SHOT, your face is the size of a basketball and the person holding your hand is an unbeliever and thinks YOU are a kook because you are praying!

She asked if I wanted to talk to her and I told her no, I am going to pray because YOU can't help me . God is the ONLY one who can help me.

After over an hour ride, we reach the hosptial and the phyisician's assistant comes in takes one look and says 'oh you are so going to get a face lift out of this'. Ok, well that's fine. now DO something!!
But I began to throw up. SO they instantly take me to the CAT scan and MRI room. They are suspecting internal bleeding. Thankfully, I'm hopped up on valium and morphine and don't care that I am in a confined space. I just want to sleep!

Little do I know, they have told Jerry, I will loose my eyeball, I have a closed head brain injury, and how many people they have taken down off that mountain dead in the last week.

Me, I'm just thankful to be alive and I know: I've won!!! The devil didn't..

The MRI and CAT scans take a while. We are in the mountain time zone and by now it's after 7 pm. They send them to Sydney, Australia by email to be read. No, there is no internal bleeding. (The blood I had thrown up was from the broken sinus and facial bones draining down my throat)

I had no internal injuries and no head injury (ha! take that). So they send in a doctor (finally) to sew up my eye. I am talking away and feeling most of the stiches. He tells Jerry how tough I am (well, yeah, I'm a mom!) So after he puts about 45 stitches in my eyelid and they tell us, I'll be fine. I only have 5 broken bones in my face (including the orbital lobe of my eye.. the outside orb and the internal one behind the eye) That I will continue to bleed out of my eye socket for several days, but NOT to worry... (yeah, sure) And I am free to go..

WHAT? Are you kidding me. So my poor husband goes into overdrive explaining to the poor sould, we have no car, (we'd come in the ambulance) no place to stay (their response, call a taxi and get a hotel) He says, what am I supposed to do with her? What if something happens in the middle of the night. No, I'm not leaving. So they talk to the administrator of the hospital who agrees I can stay in the er overnight. But I have to leave the next morning. I ask if I can fly home. No, absolutely not.

Too much swelling. So I spend the night in the er in a cubical. I was able to get up and go to the restroom with Jerry's help and I got to see myself for the first time. I remember my lips were swollen down over my chin and pulled to the left. My face is so swollen I don't look human.

I looked at myself and kept saying, 'what have I done'...When morning comes, Jerry sets out to find a rent car to take me home in. There aren't any. Seriously, NONE in the entire town. So, he goes to a Chevrolet dealer. They have a gran prix (small) or a suburban.. He comes back to the hospital and says to me we have 2 choices (we had ridden with our daughter and her husband in their suburban to this vacation). I said get the suburban. So he calls them up, they write up the deal and we are in a new car headed to Red River to pick up our things by noon.

I am amazed as I write this at all the circumstances that brought this entire event about.

People all over the United States had been called to pray.That was my only request to Jerry. I told him to call everyone he knew that knew how to pray and tell them to PRAY like they had never prayed before.

Little did I know a woman from my church whom I had met 1 time, God woke her up that morning with my face. He told her to pray as if I my life depended on it. She argued with God that she didn't know me... that's not the question here, He said. You must pray.. So she got on her face and prayed for my safety. Don't tell me he isn't faithful!!

It's about a 13 hour drive so we take it in 2 days. But as we arrive home to our youngest daughter, the swelling has gone down enough I am recognizable (barely)

I get an appointment at UT Southwestern in Dallas with a facial surgery specialist. He assures me on the 5th day after my accident that I will heal pretty normal.. once the swelling goes down.

6 weeks later, my face is still paralyzed on the left side. I still have a huge knot (can you imagine about the size of a grapefruit in diameter, cut in half?)under my eye and cheek and a black eye. Most people who saw me during my recovery period said I looked as if I had been made up for a horror film. Nice..

6 months later, my black eye is finally gone. My mouth smiles almost evenly and I am not quite as self concious.

2 years later, I still can't lay on my side at night because the knot under my eye still feels like a golf ball going up into my eye when I sleep.

My face is extemely flat on the left side and has begun to sag. It looks much worse when I am tired as my eye will sag and for lack of a better desciption it makes me look tired.

My eye is not the same size as the other, but this will always be as they removed a slice of my eyelid to sew me up.

Today is the anniversary. 3 years. Yes, I am thankful for life!

When I consulted a facial reconstructive doctor about 3 months ago he showed me there was 1 1/2 inches of excess skin on my cheek from the swelling. When the swelling went away, the skin had been stretched for so long it did not regain it's shape. The elasticity was gone due to age and damage.

So, 6 weeks ago, I had the excess removed. So again, I have bruising and a black eye. But, my face isn't flat any longer and when I look in the mirror I see ME! Not the new me that I had come to know since 2007, but the old me! Although my eye will never look the same, that is a small price to pay for vision.

I get the pictures of the accident out on occasion to remind myself of where I was and how far I've come and to also remind myself of the goodness of God.
He loved me enough to protect me from myself.
He loved me enough to wake people up to pray for me who barely knew me.

He loved me enough to hear my cries that day on that mountain and spare my life

He loved me enough spare my eyesight.

He loved me enough that I don't have a closed head brain injury.

THAT is why I have to make MY LIFE COUNT FOR THE KINGDOM.
Not just for what He has done for me, but because HE IS WORTHY!!

Thank you Jesus..

Oh and by the way... I STILL need Him to come to my rescue!!

Why the name?

Reflections after Seasons....
Have you heard the expression "they are seasoned"? Or they've had a lot of experience, or this isn't their first rodeo, or a number of other ways of saying someone ins't exactly young? Well I prefer to think of my self as "SEASONED"
I'm not old, just been around a while.. Over half a century... Whoa! That does sound old.
But when it comes to being seasoned, you hope with that you gain wisdom and experience that leads to knowledge that helps in decision making and helping others when needed or asked.

The seasons of life each bring something different.
The Spring of your life brings childhood, school, college, the security of your parents home for most.
The Summer of your life brings career, marriage and child rearing and hopefully service to others.
The Autumn of your life brings empty nest (usually) and hopefully more time to serve others and spend with your spouse and family. Work begins to wind down for some and you find your self with time on your hands.
The Winter of your life... well , I'm not there yet. But by watching my mom, it appears to me it can bring incredible loss and loneliness, but it can also bring wonderful peace and relaxation as you bask in the "golden years". And again a chance to serve others because you aren't bound to work like you had been in those "baby boomer" years of life. Or Summer and Autumn.

Autumm... my favorite time of year. The leaves are turning orange, red, gold.. all sorts of colors. Well, at least in the South and East and other parts of the US. Not necessarily here in the Dallas area. If we have color on our Bradford pears, I relish in it.
As a young teenager my favorite pasttime in the fall was walking in the woods behind our home in Arkansas dragging my feet through the leaves and talking to God.. about the future, my hopes, my dreams. Listening to the crackle of the leaves as I walked and the smells of the fall. Fires beginning in the fireplace, musty leaves, moist soil. All memories still very vivid almost 40 years later. ( Told you I was seasoned)
What elese comes with Autumn? Cooler temperatures. Bare trees. Rain. Football. Chili. Sweaters.
What about the Autumn of our lives? When we reach the Autumn of our lives, as things change sometimes it's hard to change with them. As women, Autumn represents, you've worked yourself out of a job: raising your children. It can represent a sense of loss, loneliness and for lack of a better description, just flat out boredom and feeling useless. Our husbands, bless their hearts, aren't really eqipped to deal with the new us. They are the same, they still have their work schedule but you on the other hand, don't have kids to run here and there, 20 loads of laundry a week and people shouting, "Mom, can I have a snack". We feel our "usefullness" is basically gone. I am a little odd maybe. Jerry and I didn't have empty nest completely until our youngest was 28. We had been married 36 years by this time. So we had had children in the home 31 years. No, that didn't make me more excited to see an empty nest. But I always knew the day would come and THAT was God's plan: For our 2 daughters to marry and begin a new cycle in their own lives. I was thrilled to see my daughters moving on to this new phase.
With the girls out of the hosue, I could sleep in if I wanted without guilt. I could watch a movie at 10 in the morning if I wanted and not feel guilty for not helping them at whatever task they were attacking that day.
So, that's the 'human' side of the Autumn of my life. But what about the Autumn in my spiritual life?
Autumn in my life said 2 things to me. 1: That I had already lived more than half my life (that's a sobering thought; when you realize you probably don't have much more than 30 years at most and if the next 30 go as fast as the first 50, it won't be long before you leave this life behind.)
2. That the only thing that was going to matter were the things that I had done that were eternal.
During the spring and summer of life we are often so busy or so young that we don't think about how everything we do needs to be with an eternal thought in mind. We are so caught up in the here and now, eternity seems like just that: An eternity away.
And then Autumn comes....and with it a wake up call. I have to do whatever I can to make a difference in the lives of those whom God sets in my path. I pray for divine appointments. I pray that God will use me to reach others. To make a difference in the lives of those I love and those I barely know. I want my life to have counted when "winter" comes. I want to mentor those young moms who feel this phase of life will never end and they'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel... that this crying infant will never grow up.. I want to tell them, this phase will be gone so fast, you will barely blink and they will be in college. Because I have been there. You do survive, your children survive and it will be a distant memory soon.
I can truthfully say I enjoyed EVERY phase of my children's lives. But this phase is the best for them! They are having families of their own, making a home, enjoying their spouse.
And I have to make this the best phase of my life as well.
I have to enjoy Autumn. Instead of letting my soul become dry and barren like the trees in the Ozarks after the first frost, I have to keep the soil of my soul moist by applying the Word to my life. By soaking my soul in the fresh latter rain of the Holy Spirit. By wrapping myself in the old familiar "sweater" that represents a loving Father's arms around me as I crawl into his lap and say "Dad, I need you to hold me right now and tell me I am still a vital tool in your kingdom. That you have a plan and a purpose for this "seasoned" person of the faith.
And I will be the loudest fan in the stands at the football game of your life, as I cheer you on to victory in your walk with the Lord. I will be your biggest supporter and coach. I'll help you up when you get knocked down. I'll remind you that greater is He who is in you than he that is in the world. And I will remind you of the reward that waits after we have run the race set before us.
Am I looking forward to winter. NO WAY! I want Autumn to last a very long time. You see.. I just got there. And I am excited. My time is now.
The best is yet to come. I believe it. I claim it. I walk in it. Every day!
God is good.... All the time.