Sister Friend?

Proverbs 18:24... but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

I saw a movie with my youngest daughter tonight about girlfriends. You know, the kind that have been best friends since second grade and are always there for each other. Like sisters. Except not.

I don't have a sister. I have an older and younger brother. I always wanted a sister, a female soul mate. A confident`. Someone to share my deepest, darkest secrets with. But it never happened for me. There were times when I think I came close to having a 'best friend'. But invariably something would happen, and that bond would be broken, strained, severed. I have come to realize in the last couple of years that most of the people I felt close to didn't reciprocate. Not in the same way at least. Their friendship meant more to me than mine did to them. Again, they already had a "best friend".

I think I'm friendly. I think I am easy to talk to. So why is it not in me to let people in? Why do I not have friends? Close friends, 'heart' friends.

I'd never heard that expression "heart friends" until 4 years ago. I went away for 5 days on a retreat of sorts with a bunch of women. With pretty much a guarantee that my life would be changed and I would come back "sisters" until we died with these women. Nope. Some of them, I haven't talked to since we got off the bus. Others, that you felt close to the first 30 days.. now, you are lucky to hear from. Don't get me wrong it wasn't that way for everyone, but it was for me.

Growing up, my Mother, a preacher's wife (who is one of 7 girls) always said "familiarity breeds contempt" and always warned me about the evils of getting "too close" to people outside the family.She would warn me about not trusting others with my secrets or deepest thoughts (what she was saying was: my weaknesses) She would tell me: Everyone has a best friend and just because that may be your best friend doesn't mean they are yours so if you want to keep something a secret, Don't tell anyone. To this day, she is still very careful about whom she trusts. She has no "special friends".

I have the wonderful blessing of having 2 daughters of my own. I told them numerous times how fortunate they were to have each other. No one will stick by you like a sister. How do I know this? I have a sister in law who had 3 sisters. The 4 girls would meet at least 4 times a year somewhere between where they all lived. They would shop, play games, work puzzles. Whatever. Just be sisters. It is a ritual that makes me jealous and long for a kindred spirit such as the one they share. Their baby sister is gone now, but the three remaining still meet every quarter. It is more important to them now than ever before. I have laughed and said someday I would crash their party, but I won't. I would know it wasn't the same. I don't belong to that "club".

My high school is planning a reunion this year for several classes together, including mine. I have been gone from the town I grew up in 30 years. Have not talked to most of the people I went to school with in that entire time unless by some fluke chance I would run into them when I would be home for a visit.

Because of the upcoming reunion, I decided to reach out to some old friends that I had found through years of searching to see if they would like to reconnect, just through email, etc. and catch up on each other's lives. Two of the women I was especially close to in high school are already gone, so these connections would have been even sweeter. But no luck. Not even an acknowledgement. It makes me wonder, was it me? Was I so unpleasant that people still remember that insecure girl who only knew she wanted to sing and stay pure for her husband. What was I like? Was I obnoxious? Was I difficult? I just remember that I tried to be nice to everyone and hoped everyone would like me. Hey, I was 17. I know that's unrealistic, but I was a kid!! Problem is, I still want every one to like me!

I've had a lot of things said about me in the last 20 years. It's been said that I "march to the beat of a different drummer" (whatever that meant) that I don't have a good filter (not sure about that one either) that I'm perky, opinionated, generous, nurturing, a control freak (that came from me) wise...You name it. But am I friendly?

I open my home every week 9 months out of the year to other women. I love on them, I nurture them, I pray for them and try my best to make them feel what I want to feel: loved, respected, important. I know that most of these women love me. They tell me I'm like a second mother, that I'm warm and hospitable. I love these young (and older) women with my whole heart. But as far as being close "heart friends" we aren't. When Bible study morning is over, they leave and some of them stay connected all week and me..well, it's hasn't happened.

Why has that blessed friendship been something I have never been able to attain? Because I have a guard on my heart? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable and open up to other women? Is it a lot like the love between a man and a woman? When we get hurt, we put a guard around our hearts to protect us from further hurts. Yes, I believe it is!

Where is this going? What is the purpose in all this? I am saying: LADIES: get out there, open yourself up. Don't be like me! If you get hurt, don't close yourself off. You have to keep trying or you will one day wind up with children who are grown, have moved away, have their own lives and you have no one to have lunch with, shop with, share a cup of coffee with. This is the voice of experience.

My daughters are not like me. (well, they are both rather opinionated, so in that way they are like me, but not when it comes to friends) They both have at least 1 amazing friend that is what I would call a 'heart friend'. Someone that I believe will be there for them as long as they live. Someone to share "life" with. Jesus has been the ultimate friend! And I know He always listens and He knows my hearts desired. I think maybe that is why the desire for a heart friend is still with me. He knows the intentions of my heart. Even now as I write this, I think, do I really want to let other people read this? Will it sound insecure and pathetic, am I making myself too vulnerable.

Don't get me wrong, my life is FAR from empty. It is extremely full and busy.

I don't have time to hang out all day, drink coffee and shop with someone. But, I'd like to know there was someone to call just on a whim to grab lunch or even a coke.

Now, don't everyone feel sorry for me and call me at once. I'm not looking for sympathy friends. (I'm wise to that) I'm telling you to avoid this place if possible.

I haven't given up. I'm still looking and waiting. As I walk the halls at church or even some public places, I catch myself looking at other women and thinking: Could she be the one that Father has picked for me? Does she need a friend? Is it her?