Change...is not always for the good

      My life (as a friend and I discussed tonight) feels like it has been un-raveling for over 2 years.
I have dealt with the uncertainty of a-fib, the surgery, the reoccurrence after 13 months and then again after another 13 months. Which brings on fear, depression, anxiety and Lord know what else. I am a changed person after having this become a part of my life.
You don't wake up every day saying, woohoo! Let's hit the ground running and see how much we can accomplish. Rather you wake up and think, ugh am I going to be weak and tired today. You think, will it happen again today? Will I have a stroke? Will I die? My grandchildren really do need me.
But then you think, what person as they lay dying doesn't say to themselves: My family needs me?
What makes me special. Absolutely nothing. I am a child of the King.  I am a beloved daughter.
But, the Bible doesn't say anything about not having trials, in fact it is the opposite.
So this is mine.... Why is that? I've asked a million times. I have high blood pressure, probably because of my type A (which I refer to as 3A) personality type. Stress and anxiety effect it horribly and they say adrenaline can affect the a-fib... Well, now looks like I am the perfect candidate.
My doctor (one of the most highly acclaimed in the US) says he only has to go back and redo these 20 percent of the time... I'm one of the lucky ones. I am supposed to get another in October. A totally different kind this time.
What a roller-coaster.  It's not just the heart issue and having someone say to you "you are a heart patient". It's all the other things that pile up.
To see your friends and family suffer. To see your friends process cancer and death of those they love.
You see, I don't process things like other people do. I'm a clinger. By that I mean I "cling" to the hurts of others. I absorb them as my own. I don't let them go as easily as I should. If I say I'll pray for you, I do... Like for months. I pray the Lord will bring you to my remembrance months later if you need it.
I also don't quit worrying about myself.
I've been told, don't think about it. Pull yourself up by your boot straps, "can't you talk you self off a ledge", you're the only one who can keep you from being depressed or dwelling on negative things, etc., etc. etc. until I WANT TO SCREAM and crash my head against a wall. Do you not think I would change my thinking if I could?
Do you think I LIKE feeling like I am loosing my mind? Do you think I like crying on a whim? Do you think I LIKE being afraid to be left alone in my own home at times because of fear? Do you think it's been fun calling 911 at 3:30 am over the years just for them to tell you it's a "panic attack" an you will be fine, eventually?
OH YES, I love all of this. It's great for a 60 year old to be afraid of EVERYTHING!
But what has made it worse, is that as a Christian, my entire life I was taught to "rely on God" Psychiatrist and "those sorts" were for sinners and weak people who "didn't know God". That any kind of medication for nerves or anxiety was almost of the devil. And we didn't talk about it.
But I take BOTH!!!!! YES! I am coming out. My doctors have informed me that since I have crossed the threshold into being "post-menopausal" a LOT of things will change.
I believe I can eventually work myself out of this fog, hole, hell I live in now.
But for now, I am taking them.
Do I believe God could heal my depression, anxiety and a-fib: YES! Have I been prayed for: YES. Have I begged for healing: YES.
I know God hears me. I know He answers my prayers. Just recently, I prayed and asked Him for a very specific thing.. VERY SPECIFIC for his help to do a trivial thing but VERY important to me.
I ask for HOLY SPIRIT power to help me remove a lock that was stuck in a nearly impossible position. It happened. INSTANTLY...
I fell to the ground and cried like I haven't in months. Why, because I had said : IF YOU ARE REAL, IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU MUST HELP ME! I AM DESPERATE TO FEEL YOU, DESPERATE TO FEEL YOU, TO KNOW YOU ARE AWARE OF MY EVERY SITUATION. AND HE  DID!!

At times, I feel alone in my walk with the Lord. I feel I am taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back somedays. I feel like I am making progress and then I re-gress. I'm sure this is a "personal problem". But I put this into every part of my life. I am NOT good at making and keeping friends.  I LOVE people. Love to be around people. But I have gotten gun shy over the years. I've been told I "march to the beat of my own drummer" just before being dropped by a friend, I've been called spunky, fun, quirky, self-absorbed because someone standing within 6 inches of my face and me looking away made her mad. I have been told I intimidate everyone by my talents.
WOW! What a joke that is. I can do lots of things mediocrely. But I do nothing well.
I have quit at everything I have ever started. I decided in my early 30's to go to college, but a friend said to me, "it will be interesting to see if you ever finish". It was such a blow, I never tried.
I play the piano. But I learned in the 60's and 70's so I play by ear mostly because it's easier.
I sing, but not any more, because lets' face it. Who wants a middle-aged woman on their worship team. And  solo's are a thing of the past.
I have not stayed in touch with people from high school. Not because I didn't love many of them dearly, but simply because I got too caught up in my own life. Doing what I thought was important. Raising my own children. And now, I'm even questioning that.
Did I scar them for life? Because of the mistakes I made, will their children have difficulties because of what I did to my children??? Will they pass their insecurities on because of me....
See why I take pills!  (insert laugh)

I have run 3 businesses: like real businesses. I owned a floral design shop....whew!
I  STARTED and ran a Bridal Salon and no it isn't fun. Women are crazy.
I owned  a hair salon by the time I was 19.
I had my first baby at 22. (well I was married at 17) My second at 24. Done.
And that doesn't count the number of times I've had a real-estate license and sold Mary Kay, Tupperware, Southern Living at HOME, 2 kinds of jewelry and who knows what else.

Through all the years, now at 60, I am re-thinking everything I have ever done. WHY? Because you let your ticker start acting crazy and you start to analyze what you have accomplished in life and if it MATTERED!.
When I had my four wheeler accident 8 years ago, I felt very certain I was here for a reason. God had a purpose and a plan. I still believe it.
I try to say every day: My later shall be greater. My best is yet to come.....
But, If I can't do the things I love the most, it's not necessary.
 Several of the  things I love the most are not a part of my life any longer... I grieve them.
But, even now as I pour out ( literally) of my heart and emotions let me just state this for the record:
EVERYTHING I DO, I WILL DO FOR HIS GLORY. I WILL WORK UNTIL HE COMES. I WILL FIND A PLACE TO CALL HOME AND TO BE LOVED AND TO SHOW LOVE IN RETURN.

my best IS yet to come!