Sister Friend?

Proverbs 18:24... but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

I saw a movie with my youngest daughter tonight about girlfriends. You know, the kind that have been best friends since second grade and are always there for each other. Like sisters. Except not.

I don't have a sister. I have an older and younger brother. I always wanted a sister, a female soul mate. A confident`. Someone to share my deepest, darkest secrets with. But it never happened for me. There were times when I think I came close to having a 'best friend'. But invariably something would happen, and that bond would be broken, strained, severed. I have come to realize in the last couple of years that most of the people I felt close to didn't reciprocate. Not in the same way at least. Their friendship meant more to me than mine did to them. Again, they already had a "best friend".

I think I'm friendly. I think I am easy to talk to. So why is it not in me to let people in? Why do I not have friends? Close friends, 'heart' friends.

I'd never heard that expression "heart friends" until 4 years ago. I went away for 5 days on a retreat of sorts with a bunch of women. With pretty much a guarantee that my life would be changed and I would come back "sisters" until we died with these women. Nope. Some of them, I haven't talked to since we got off the bus. Others, that you felt close to the first 30 days.. now, you are lucky to hear from. Don't get me wrong it wasn't that way for everyone, but it was for me.

Growing up, my Mother, a preacher's wife (who is one of 7 girls) always said "familiarity breeds contempt" and always warned me about the evils of getting "too close" to people outside the family.She would warn me about not trusting others with my secrets or deepest thoughts (what she was saying was: my weaknesses) She would tell me: Everyone has a best friend and just because that may be your best friend doesn't mean they are yours so if you want to keep something a secret, Don't tell anyone. To this day, she is still very careful about whom she trusts. She has no "special friends".

I have the wonderful blessing of having 2 daughters of my own. I told them numerous times how fortunate they were to have each other. No one will stick by you like a sister. How do I know this? I have a sister in law who had 3 sisters. The 4 girls would meet at least 4 times a year somewhere between where they all lived. They would shop, play games, work puzzles. Whatever. Just be sisters. It is a ritual that makes me jealous and long for a kindred spirit such as the one they share. Their baby sister is gone now, but the three remaining still meet every quarter. It is more important to them now than ever before. I have laughed and said someday I would crash their party, but I won't. I would know it wasn't the same. I don't belong to that "club".

My high school is planning a reunion this year for several classes together, including mine. I have been gone from the town I grew up in 30 years. Have not talked to most of the people I went to school with in that entire time unless by some fluke chance I would run into them when I would be home for a visit.

Because of the upcoming reunion, I decided to reach out to some old friends that I had found through years of searching to see if they would like to reconnect, just through email, etc. and catch up on each other's lives. Two of the women I was especially close to in high school are already gone, so these connections would have been even sweeter. But no luck. Not even an acknowledgement. It makes me wonder, was it me? Was I so unpleasant that people still remember that insecure girl who only knew she wanted to sing and stay pure for her husband. What was I like? Was I obnoxious? Was I difficult? I just remember that I tried to be nice to everyone and hoped everyone would like me. Hey, I was 17. I know that's unrealistic, but I was a kid!! Problem is, I still want every one to like me!

I've had a lot of things said about me in the last 20 years. It's been said that I "march to the beat of a different drummer" (whatever that meant) that I don't have a good filter (not sure about that one either) that I'm perky, opinionated, generous, nurturing, a control freak (that came from me) wise...You name it. But am I friendly?

I open my home every week 9 months out of the year to other women. I love on them, I nurture them, I pray for them and try my best to make them feel what I want to feel: loved, respected, important. I know that most of these women love me. They tell me I'm like a second mother, that I'm warm and hospitable. I love these young (and older) women with my whole heart. But as far as being close "heart friends" we aren't. When Bible study morning is over, they leave and some of them stay connected all week and me..well, it's hasn't happened.

Why has that blessed friendship been something I have never been able to attain? Because I have a guard on my heart? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable and open up to other women? Is it a lot like the love between a man and a woman? When we get hurt, we put a guard around our hearts to protect us from further hurts. Yes, I believe it is!

Where is this going? What is the purpose in all this? I am saying: LADIES: get out there, open yourself up. Don't be like me! If you get hurt, don't close yourself off. You have to keep trying or you will one day wind up with children who are grown, have moved away, have their own lives and you have no one to have lunch with, shop with, share a cup of coffee with. This is the voice of experience.

My daughters are not like me. (well, they are both rather opinionated, so in that way they are like me, but not when it comes to friends) They both have at least 1 amazing friend that is what I would call a 'heart friend'. Someone that I believe will be there for them as long as they live. Someone to share "life" with. Jesus has been the ultimate friend! And I know He always listens and He knows my hearts desired. I think maybe that is why the desire for a heart friend is still with me. He knows the intentions of my heart. Even now as I write this, I think, do I really want to let other people read this? Will it sound insecure and pathetic, am I making myself too vulnerable.

Don't get me wrong, my life is FAR from empty. It is extremely full and busy.

I don't have time to hang out all day, drink coffee and shop with someone. But, I'd like to know there was someone to call just on a whim to grab lunch or even a coke.

Now, don't everyone feel sorry for me and call me at once. I'm not looking for sympathy friends. (I'm wise to that) I'm telling you to avoid this place if possible.

I haven't given up. I'm still looking and waiting. As I walk the halls at church or even some public places, I catch myself looking at other women and thinking: Could she be the one that Father has picked for me? Does she need a friend? Is it her?

Mom's are kinda like Jesus or: Grateful, Great and Full

Today was the day we celebrate Mother's. One day. Somehow that doesn't seem right does it?

But at least mother's get a nationally recognized day. A day they (we) are supposed to get our desires and wants met by someone else in the family. How many Mother's Days has that worked out for you? None that I can remember. I don't remember ever taking care of my mom either. Not totally. But, instead of complaining, Mother's just keep doing their job.

You know the whole "man must work from sun to sun but a mother's work is never done". If you're very perceptive, you figure this out even as a child! I know when I'd be watching Gunsmoke with my Dad and brothers and Mom would be running the sweeper under our feet, I figured out really fast that she was never caught up with her many jobs..

But what I have to say today is about being Grateful and the Great and the Full.

Grateful: Grateful for an amazing woman we called Big Momma. Because she was over 5 ft. tall. Which made her taller than her oldest daughter so my oldest cousin called her "Big Momma" and it stuck! She birthed 10 children. 9 of whom lived to adulthood. One of them my mother! Grateful that Big Momma and Poppa took my mother to a spirit filled church where she played piano and my Daddy found Jesus in a tent revival! Grateful that my parents raised me in a spirit-filled home where basically serving God and putting HIM first wasn't an option. Big Momma has been gone over 20 years. But her memory is as alive to me today as it was then. She was our rock! Thank you Jesus for the Aunts and Uncle that still remain that pray for our family like Big Momma did.

Grateful for an amazing Mother who worked full time even in the 1960's and still managed to raise 3 kids, be a pastor's wife and put up with everything a mother, wife and pastor's wife puts up with.. She learned from the best!

Grateful that she taught me about Jesus, first and foremost and that in our home there was never any question about how you would behave or what was important. My values are what they are because of the way I was raised.

I instilled those same values into the 2 daughters that God entrusted into Jerry and my's care.

Grateful that one of them is a mother of 3 boys. She is an amazing mom and is again carrying on our family's values with a little of her husband's family included! She homeschools, cooks every day, reads to them, writes, and still manages to run a household. She is truly my hero.

Grateful for another daughter who isn't a mother yet but has the promise of God on her life.

Missing her this particular first mother's day that she lives away from Texas. But God is in that too.

Grateful: for my health

Grateful: for 2 son-in-law's who love God more than they love my daughters and follow Him faithfully: NO MATTER WHAT!!

Grateful: for extended family

MOST importantly: Grateful to Jesus. For saving me. Loving me. Pursuing me. Filling me over and over and over with the precious Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me every step

Great: Being a grandmother~ Positively the best thing that has ever happened to me.

When those little boys put their arms around me and say " love you, Nana", nothing else matters!! Hand made cards, pieces of rock (heart shaped of course) a wild flower or acorn cap, all treasure for Nana~! Priceless.

Full: My heart is full tonight. Full of love, gratitude, emotion.

Love from my girls, my husband, grandboys, Mother and extended family.

Gratitude to God for all He has given us. I realize nothing I have is because of me. It is ALL Him and I can never forget that. Emotions are up and down. Like a roller-coaster. Happy and sad all at the same time. Lonesome for my baby girl...but happy... because I know she is where God has her. For now....

As the day we celebrate Mom comes to an end, let's remember that Mom's are kinda like Jesus... The never give up on you, they love you unconditionally, they are always there for you and will always listen to you even if you are complaining!

Yes, the more I think about it...Mom's sound a lot like Jesus!

Wow! I wonder... Do you think that's an accident? God created someone in His image to take care of His children here on earth. No, no accident. Nothing with God is ever and accident!

Thank you God for Mothers who are made in YOUR image to care, love and nurture their children as You do yours~

Yes... I'm blessed.

Did it really make a difference?

For 12 hours, I've been listening to the news reports, watching Facebook posts and listening to different people voice their opinion on the death of Osama Bin Laden. At first, I thought there must be something wrong with me. I wasn't elated. I didn't really feel anything. Ok. He's dead. But terrorism isn't dead. His followers are not dead. It doesn't bring back the over 3000 American's who lost their lives. Closure for those families will probably never truly come. After such horrific loss and the nature of the attacks that day, how do you ever "get over it"?

My concern is for the Americans who find such joy in the death of this soul.

Is it really happiness, joy at his demise? Do we not realize that in all likelihood this man will spend eternity in hell? Yes, it is his just deserve. But is it not ours as well? BUT for the blood of Jesus, that same fate would be ours.

The war that started to many of us on September 11, 2001, really started thousands of years ago. The fall of man in the garden is when this war started.

Ephesians 6:12 says for we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Bin Laden, Castro, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Gadhafi, these are all people who are ruled by spiritual wickedness, the powers of darkness. When a man's goal is the destruction of others there is a disconnection somewhere in the soul. As a Christ follower, my mind cannot comprehend that.

Do you know anyone who has been to war and came home changed? The things that had happened to them, the things they were required to do had changed them forever. Have you seen how once dedicated Christian men come home from war scarred to the point that you don't recognize your brother, nephew, son? They have seen evil. They have stared it in the face. They have been asked to do the same kinds of things that men like Bin Laden did in the name of religion, our soldiers have been asked to do in the name of freedom. But that doesn't make it any easier on a man or woman whose heart is turned toward Christ. They are forever changed because in their spirit man, they know this is not the way mankind was created to behave towards one another.

The only difference between these terrorist leaders and you and I is that we have Jesus.

God created man. Period. It was not His desire that any man perish, but because of our free will, because of man's fall, men like Bin Laden will continue to rise to power until Christ comes back the final time to rule and reign!

Did Osama Bin Laden dying affect my life in any way? No. Did it affect yours? Probably not.

The death that had profound affect on my life is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ! It gave me the hope of life eternal when I received Christ as my Lord and Savior.

We are not to gloat or boast when our enemies fall (Prov. 24:17) We are to only boast of the things that HE has done. Proverbs 24:20 says there will be no reward to the evil man. The candle of the wicked will be put out.

Bin Laden's candle may be out, but the light of wickedness in this world is still burning bright.

Our job is to watch and pray. Be diligent in our faith. Praying for our leaders, our brothers and sisters in the fight. Praying for the lost. Even the Bin Laden's of this world.

Don't boast in the fall of Bin Laden but rather in the Lord our God!

Psalm 34:2 My soul shall make her boast in the Lord!