I need rain!

I walked out into the yard. You know REALLY walked into the yard. Not just walking to the car. But out there, in the heat, in the dryness of the grass. It was brown and crunchy. As I gazed around at our huge yard I realized everything that isn't a part of the "sprinkled" part was very brown and dry. It was breaking. The shrubs in some areas are totally dry and dying. Even some trees. We talked about how we are trying to water enough to salvage it, but it isn't enough.
The heat has been way too intense this summer to keep everything alive.

Then tonight I realized, that's how I feel inside. The heat has been so hot and so long, I feel like I have burned up and am now brown. Just like my yard.
As we sat at dinner I expressed to my husband how I 'need' to feel the Holy Spirit in a STRONG way. Don't get me wrong. I feel the Holy Spirit when I pray, listen to worship music, it is extremely strong in church and His presence is very real in my every day life. But does anyone remember those days when the Spirit of God moved so strongly during a church service that you were overcome and knelt right where you stood or you moved to the front and knelt as others around you began to do the same thing. How it didn't matter that the time allotted for worship was over, because the presence of God was so strong you didn't dare move on.
You couldn't. It would have felt disrespectful.
Yes, I am Pentecostal by any one's standard. But that doesn't make me weird in that we run the aisles or roll in the aisles or even march around the church.. (nor have I ever seen a snake in church). But I am prone to raise both hands, kneel, weep or maybe all 3.
After one such service, the feeling of restoration, peace and refreshing is unbelievable. Kind of like a slow, drenching rain. You soak it in. It restores the moisture to your spirit that time, stress, sickness and just life has drained from you.. the drought of the soul I call it.
The spiritual rain is just like a physical rain that moistens the ground and restores and brings new life. That's exactly what the rain from heaven does. Where there was nothing but dry, brittle ground, there is now a moist fresh soil that has soaked in the very thing it needs for life: Rain.
I am in need of a soaking rain. Yes, I'm admitting it. I asked my husband if it's because I'm old and old fashioned that I am hungry to feel the power of God and see Him "show up and show out", not because He has to but because He wants to. I want to be so blown away by His presence that I cannot move. I want to see people flat on their faces before God pouring out their hearts, renewing their walk with Him. Making a new dedication that doesn't wear off on Monday. I want seeking Him to be a priority in not just my life but the life of my family.
I want them to desire HIS presence more than anything else on this earth.
I want to feel that feeling again.
I want to be mesmerized by him.
I know order and schedules are a necessary thing in weekend service. But thank God for services like we have once a month where time isn't the most important thing.
Letting God move takes precedence over time.
If I can't have the 'latter rain' at service..then I will continue to seek It. I know it's there. I've experienced it. And I believe the Holy Spirit of God is as willing to move on me as I am hungry for Him to.
We don't have revival's any more. We've moved past that. We must be too dignified. I know we're too busy. So we have conferences. Where we learn from incredible pastors and teachers but we don't "wait" on the Lord. We hurry as much through these incredible meetings as we do through everyday life. Gotta move on to the next thing.
I'm slowing down and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the rain.
I'm not really waiting. I'm looking for it. With my spiritual eyes. (I'm praying for revival too..)
I am seeking it out. It may only rain on me in my living room. But the rain is coming. And I promise: I'll be soaking it in.

Thankful for life!

Today celebrates the 3rd anniversary of my horrific four-wheeler accident in Red River, New Mexico. I am grateful to say it is the anniversary. If not, my family would be remembering it in another way totally.

The day began as the other days had on our vacation to one of our favorite spots. It was about 45 degrees, sunny, crisp morning. I had been up just a little while when the sick feeling in my stomach began. Something wasn't right. I had an incredible sense of doom. I KNEW something was going to go wrong that day. But being the doting mother, grandmother that I am, I was afraid it was one of my grandsons. I knew because of Holy Spirit unction that I needed to pray protection over us that day. The boys were 3 and 5. They rode with us whenever we went out. Wearing helmets and in the front of the four wheeler. But because Collin our 3 yr old was so young, I worried that the trails would be too much for him. He didn't know how to hold himself steady as we traversed the steep trails. We had gone up to 11,000 feet the day before to a spot known as Greeney Peak. One of my Dad's favorite places in the world. I had pointed out to Dillon the beauty of the mountains. How many colors of green there were as we looked out across the valleys. I talked to him about the wonders of God and how much He must love us to make all these incredible things for us to enjoy and appreciate.

But that Tuesday morning, as my uneasiness grew, I tried to tell myself it was just me, I was being silly and I needed to get a grip.. Everything was fine.

As we waited on the other family that had joined us to get ready to go, Jerry and I took Dillon and Collin for a short ride to a park nearby. I could NOT shake this sense of doom. So when we went back to our cabin, I told the boys mother (who was expecting thier baby brother and so couldn't ride) that I felt like Collin needed to stay in with her as we rode. Amazingly, the child who got up every morning anxious to ride, told me "Nana I think I'll stay with Mom and watch 'Cars'." I cannot tell you the peace I felt when he said that... but still...I knew.

The 9 of us started off on 6 four-wheelers. Lunch in tow, we headed out towards Greeney peak again. Dillon rode with his Papaw. My friends and their 3 teens rode along as did my son in law.

We rode to the top of the mountain, ate lunch and again talked about the beauty of the world God had created. As I sat on a stump eating my sandwich I noticed a white butterfly floating around me.

I thought how strange, because the last time I'd seen a white butterfly was when I was on "Heartquest" a year earlier. I don't know why I didn't put the 2 together to know that that was the Father telling me, He was there. He was my protector, my shield.

We started down the mountain , with me in the lead (I'd been riding these things for at least 30 years. I knew what I was doing..) We saw a new trail, just marked with neon paint and decided to follow it. Because it was a brand new trail, it became more treacherous as we went along. It took about 30 mintues to get to the end of that trail which brought us out a road that would take us back to town. I remember being nervous as we got into areas where there were large holes and boulders to navigate, but when we got to the road I was releieved. And thought, Ok, I'll go in from here and everything will be fine. (Still the sick feeling in the stomach) I suggested that the other girls and I would go in , but some didn't want to split the group, so we turned around and headed back up the mountain. I was VERY nervous at this point. We had been going back up the trail about 3 minutes.

I knew the spot. I'd had a hard time navigating it on the way down. Now, I was trying to go up it at a crawl because of large rocks and a big hole in the center. The mountain was at about a 30 degree angle. I was leaning forward towards the handlebars to make the bike crawl up this mountain.

I was in second gear and as I tried to shift down to 1st the bike stalled and died. When it did... I KNEW. This was the thing I had been fearful of. I felt the wheels begin to lift from the ground. I knew the bike was going over and I was on top of it. I tried to jump, but first I began to pray! I thought I was just praying in my mind, but the young man who pulled the four wheeler off me seconds later said I was screaming so loud that he could hear every word over the roar of both our bikes!

I screamed out to God..
"No God, not today. Not like this. Not on this mountain. Summer needs me, Amber needs me. You can't do this. Summer is having a baby. She needs me. Amber will be getting married soon. No God NO.. And then I remember looking up at the mountains and the clouds thinking this was the last scene I would ever see on this earth.

And then Tyler was there pulling it off me and I sat up. Boom. I was alive.

I immediately knew it was bad. I felt the swelling and blood on my face instantly. I began to feel my teeth with my tongue and knew they were all there. I looked at my nails, yeah stuipd I know, but they weren't broken either. When I sat up, I looked down the mountain and Tyler's four wheeler was rolling end over end. You see, when he heard me screaming and crying out to God, he had jumped off his to save me without even bothering to put his in neutral or even stop.

His dad and my son in law were behind him and when they saw it go rolling down the mountain, they knew something must be horribly wrong.

When they reached me, my son in law looked at my face and simply said, oh wow...

I said, thanks a lot. I was wanting them to know my BRAIN was fine. I was thinking clearly and joking to let them see, it was going to be ok. It had probably been only a minute but I was telling them to keep Dillon away. He could not see his nana like this. As our friends, my husband, my son in law all hovered around me trying to figure out what to do, how to get me out of there, etc. I began to pray.

All I could think of was " I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue, where else can I go". So that's what I prayed. OVER and OVER and OVER. I began to pray in the spirit. They would talk, I would pray. I kept telling them, my neck and back are fine. It's my FACE!! then I'd pray.

We agreed the only thing was to put me on the back of Jerry's four wheeler and head down the mountain to the nearest ambulance and head to a hospital.
I cannot descibe the pain. One eye was cut badly and had swollen shut immediately.

As they helped me to Jerry's four wheeler, I called out to one of the triplets to hide Dillon's face so he couldn't see me. But I told him, Nana's fine. don't worry. Everything will be fine. (little did I know, it would be 2 weeks before I saw him again and even then he would shy away from me because of the horrific swelling and bruising.) As we headed down the mountain I was probably in shock, because I kept thinking I cannot do this. It hurts too badly. I cannot take this pain. Jerry was silent.

I have since learned that's what he does when he's scared or sad... he gets quiet.

I had continued to pray but I was praying silently. Jerry said, talk to me baby, I need to hear your voice. So I prayed aloud. I again looked up at the clouds as we headed down the mountain to the main road. I remember thinking, Dad if there really is a cloud of witnesses and you are up there, you need to be cheering me on to live because I am NOT finished with this race.

I think I knew because I had survived the accident itself. I wouldn't die. But my throat felt like it was

swelling shut. I really think that was what it must feel like to be shot. My face hurt so badly I was begging God to help the pain. I called 911. Told them the situation, that I was on my way into Red River and needed ambulance transport to the nearest hosptial.

I will never forget the looks on the faces of the people at the fire station when we arrived about 30 minutes later. They got me an ice pack for the swelling and loaded me in the ambulance for the 45 minute ride to Taos to the nearest hospital. I tried to call my sister in law Martha to tell her to pray for me. But I had no reception. Jerry rode in the front of the ambulance, so they could "talk' to him. Little did I know, they were giving me a death sentence!

Still, I prayed. I told the ambulance attendant, 'If I'm not going to die, you need to give me something for the pain, because I cannot take this much longer'. She offered me a mirror to see the damage. I refused it. I thought, honestly, you think I want to see myself like this. I knew it was bad. I didn't have to look at it!

Blood was draining down the back of my throat. I was getting car sick. I was riding backwards, mountainous roads on a 45 minute trek. BUT, wait, there's a mud slide and we have to go the LONG way around.. Ok. I'm laughing as they tell me this. I know the work of the enemy. He was still trying to take me out. As we continued along, we lost radio contact with the hospital. Can you imagine. You are in incredible pain, your nerves are SHOT, your face is the size of a basketball and the person holding your hand is an unbeliever and thinks YOU are a kook because you are praying!

She asked if I wanted to talk to her and I told her no, I am going to pray because YOU can't help me . God is the ONLY one who can help me.

After over an hour ride, we reach the hosptial and the phyisician's assistant comes in takes one look and says 'oh you are so going to get a face lift out of this'. Ok, well that's fine. now DO something!!
But I began to throw up. SO they instantly take me to the CAT scan and MRI room. They are suspecting internal bleeding. Thankfully, I'm hopped up on valium and morphine and don't care that I am in a confined space. I just want to sleep!

Little do I know, they have told Jerry, I will loose my eyeball, I have a closed head brain injury, and how many people they have taken down off that mountain dead in the last week.

Me, I'm just thankful to be alive and I know: I've won!!! The devil didn't..

The MRI and CAT scans take a while. We are in the mountain time zone and by now it's after 7 pm. They send them to Sydney, Australia by email to be read. No, there is no internal bleeding. (The blood I had thrown up was from the broken sinus and facial bones draining down my throat)

I had no internal injuries and no head injury (ha! take that). So they send in a doctor (finally) to sew up my eye. I am talking away and feeling most of the stiches. He tells Jerry how tough I am (well, yeah, I'm a mom!) So after he puts about 45 stitches in my eyelid and they tell us, I'll be fine. I only have 5 broken bones in my face (including the orbital lobe of my eye.. the outside orb and the internal one behind the eye) That I will continue to bleed out of my eye socket for several days, but NOT to worry... (yeah, sure) And I am free to go..

WHAT? Are you kidding me. So my poor husband goes into overdrive explaining to the poor sould, we have no car, (we'd come in the ambulance) no place to stay (their response, call a taxi and get a hotel) He says, what am I supposed to do with her? What if something happens in the middle of the night. No, I'm not leaving. So they talk to the administrator of the hospital who agrees I can stay in the er overnight. But I have to leave the next morning. I ask if I can fly home. No, absolutely not.

Too much swelling. So I spend the night in the er in a cubical. I was able to get up and go to the restroom with Jerry's help and I got to see myself for the first time. I remember my lips were swollen down over my chin and pulled to the left. My face is so swollen I don't look human.

I looked at myself and kept saying, 'what have I done'...When morning comes, Jerry sets out to find a rent car to take me home in. There aren't any. Seriously, NONE in the entire town. So, he goes to a Chevrolet dealer. They have a gran prix (small) or a suburban.. He comes back to the hospital and says to me we have 2 choices (we had ridden with our daughter and her husband in their suburban to this vacation). I said get the suburban. So he calls them up, they write up the deal and we are in a new car headed to Red River to pick up our things by noon.

I am amazed as I write this at all the circumstances that brought this entire event about.

People all over the United States had been called to pray.That was my only request to Jerry. I told him to call everyone he knew that knew how to pray and tell them to PRAY like they had never prayed before.

Little did I know a woman from my church whom I had met 1 time, God woke her up that morning with my face. He told her to pray as if I my life depended on it. She argued with God that she didn't know me... that's not the question here, He said. You must pray.. So she got on her face and prayed for my safety. Don't tell me he isn't faithful!!

It's about a 13 hour drive so we take it in 2 days. But as we arrive home to our youngest daughter, the swelling has gone down enough I am recognizable (barely)

I get an appointment at UT Southwestern in Dallas with a facial surgery specialist. He assures me on the 5th day after my accident that I will heal pretty normal.. once the swelling goes down.

6 weeks later, my face is still paralyzed on the left side. I still have a huge knot (can you imagine about the size of a grapefruit in diameter, cut in half?)under my eye and cheek and a black eye. Most people who saw me during my recovery period said I looked as if I had been made up for a horror film. Nice..

6 months later, my black eye is finally gone. My mouth smiles almost evenly and I am not quite as self concious.

2 years later, I still can't lay on my side at night because the knot under my eye still feels like a golf ball going up into my eye when I sleep.

My face is extemely flat on the left side and has begun to sag. It looks much worse when I am tired as my eye will sag and for lack of a better desciption it makes me look tired.

My eye is not the same size as the other, but this will always be as they removed a slice of my eyelid to sew me up.

Today is the anniversary. 3 years. Yes, I am thankful for life!

When I consulted a facial reconstructive doctor about 3 months ago he showed me there was 1 1/2 inches of excess skin on my cheek from the swelling. When the swelling went away, the skin had been stretched for so long it did not regain it's shape. The elasticity was gone due to age and damage.

So, 6 weeks ago, I had the excess removed. So again, I have bruising and a black eye. But, my face isn't flat any longer and when I look in the mirror I see ME! Not the new me that I had come to know since 2007, but the old me! Although my eye will never look the same, that is a small price to pay for vision.

I get the pictures of the accident out on occasion to remind myself of where I was and how far I've come and to also remind myself of the goodness of God.
He loved me enough to protect me from myself.
He loved me enough to wake people up to pray for me who barely knew me.

He loved me enough to hear my cries that day on that mountain and spare my life

He loved me enough spare my eyesight.

He loved me enough that I don't have a closed head brain injury.

THAT is why I have to make MY LIFE COUNT FOR THE KINGDOM.
Not just for what He has done for me, but because HE IS WORTHY!!

Thank you Jesus..

Oh and by the way... I STILL need Him to come to my rescue!!

Why the name?

Reflections after Seasons....
Have you heard the expression "they are seasoned"? Or they've had a lot of experience, or this isn't their first rodeo, or a number of other ways of saying someone ins't exactly young? Well I prefer to think of my self as "SEASONED"
I'm not old, just been around a while.. Over half a century... Whoa! That does sound old.
But when it comes to being seasoned, you hope with that you gain wisdom and experience that leads to knowledge that helps in decision making and helping others when needed or asked.

The seasons of life each bring something different.
The Spring of your life brings childhood, school, college, the security of your parents home for most.
The Summer of your life brings career, marriage and child rearing and hopefully service to others.
The Autumn of your life brings empty nest (usually) and hopefully more time to serve others and spend with your spouse and family. Work begins to wind down for some and you find your self with time on your hands.
The Winter of your life... well , I'm not there yet. But by watching my mom, it appears to me it can bring incredible loss and loneliness, but it can also bring wonderful peace and relaxation as you bask in the "golden years". And again a chance to serve others because you aren't bound to work like you had been in those "baby boomer" years of life. Or Summer and Autumn.

Autumm... my favorite time of year. The leaves are turning orange, red, gold.. all sorts of colors. Well, at least in the South and East and other parts of the US. Not necessarily here in the Dallas area. If we have color on our Bradford pears, I relish in it.
As a young teenager my favorite pasttime in the fall was walking in the woods behind our home in Arkansas dragging my feet through the leaves and talking to God.. about the future, my hopes, my dreams. Listening to the crackle of the leaves as I walked and the smells of the fall. Fires beginning in the fireplace, musty leaves, moist soil. All memories still very vivid almost 40 years later. ( Told you I was seasoned)
What elese comes with Autumn? Cooler temperatures. Bare trees. Rain. Football. Chili. Sweaters.
What about the Autumn of our lives? When we reach the Autumn of our lives, as things change sometimes it's hard to change with them. As women, Autumn represents, you've worked yourself out of a job: raising your children. It can represent a sense of loss, loneliness and for lack of a better description, just flat out boredom and feeling useless. Our husbands, bless their hearts, aren't really eqipped to deal with the new us. They are the same, they still have their work schedule but you on the other hand, don't have kids to run here and there, 20 loads of laundry a week and people shouting, "Mom, can I have a snack". We feel our "usefullness" is basically gone. I am a little odd maybe. Jerry and I didn't have empty nest completely until our youngest was 28. We had been married 36 years by this time. So we had had children in the home 31 years. No, that didn't make me more excited to see an empty nest. But I always knew the day would come and THAT was God's plan: For our 2 daughters to marry and begin a new cycle in their own lives. I was thrilled to see my daughters moving on to this new phase.
With the girls out of the hosue, I could sleep in if I wanted without guilt. I could watch a movie at 10 in the morning if I wanted and not feel guilty for not helping them at whatever task they were attacking that day.
So, that's the 'human' side of the Autumn of my life. But what about the Autumn in my spiritual life?
Autumn in my life said 2 things to me. 1: That I had already lived more than half my life (that's a sobering thought; when you realize you probably don't have much more than 30 years at most and if the next 30 go as fast as the first 50, it won't be long before you leave this life behind.)
2. That the only thing that was going to matter were the things that I had done that were eternal.
During the spring and summer of life we are often so busy or so young that we don't think about how everything we do needs to be with an eternal thought in mind. We are so caught up in the here and now, eternity seems like just that: An eternity away.
And then Autumn comes....and with it a wake up call. I have to do whatever I can to make a difference in the lives of those whom God sets in my path. I pray for divine appointments. I pray that God will use me to reach others. To make a difference in the lives of those I love and those I barely know. I want my life to have counted when "winter" comes. I want to mentor those young moms who feel this phase of life will never end and they'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel... that this crying infant will never grow up.. I want to tell them, this phase will be gone so fast, you will barely blink and they will be in college. Because I have been there. You do survive, your children survive and it will be a distant memory soon.
I can truthfully say I enjoyed EVERY phase of my children's lives. But this phase is the best for them! They are having families of their own, making a home, enjoying their spouse.
And I have to make this the best phase of my life as well.
I have to enjoy Autumn. Instead of letting my soul become dry and barren like the trees in the Ozarks after the first frost, I have to keep the soil of my soul moist by applying the Word to my life. By soaking my soul in the fresh latter rain of the Holy Spirit. By wrapping myself in the old familiar "sweater" that represents a loving Father's arms around me as I crawl into his lap and say "Dad, I need you to hold me right now and tell me I am still a vital tool in your kingdom. That you have a plan and a purpose for this "seasoned" person of the faith.
And I will be the loudest fan in the stands at the football game of your life, as I cheer you on to victory in your walk with the Lord. I will be your biggest supporter and coach. I'll help you up when you get knocked down. I'll remind you that greater is He who is in you than he that is in the world. And I will remind you of the reward that waits after we have run the race set before us.
Am I looking forward to winter. NO WAY! I want Autumn to last a very long time. You see.. I just got there. And I am excited. My time is now.
The best is yet to come. I believe it. I claim it. I walk in it. Every day!
God is good.... All the time.